Dogfight in Chinatown

This week, Chinatown is at its liveliest. In the pre-Chinese New Year frenzy, everyone is trying to sell everyone something auspicious, delicious or... salacious?


check out the last movie: Starring Angelina Jolie - not. You wish!

J and I wandered into Chinatown tonight after work. And as at most of these larger and more well-organised bazaars, we witnessed the highest forms of sales(wo)manship at work - the Chinese auctioneer and the Thai/Chinese "monk". But who was the better of the two?

So friends, Ampulets Theatre presents...the auspicious, the delicious...er, not very salacious Dog Fight in China Town! (warning: this is the lengthiest playscript ever on this blog.)

Starring
1. The Auctioneer: a middle-aged woman who, judging by her accent, is from the middle kingdom; and who, judging by the hoarseness of her voice, has been at this for some nights already. She is surrounded by 2 "walls" of pictures and 3 tables full of carved stone kirins.

2. The Medium ("Monk"?): a bespectacled and very skinny middle-aged man, wearing a white shirt and with an orange monk's robe/shawl draped across. He has for his backdrop 2 banners (see pic below)

3. The judges: J and Y



The Battle Begins
Auctioneer: And I've got here "Fortune and Prosperity" - this is genuine jade from china. Look at how lovely the peonies are, how fine the carving. And the wood - that goes without saying - fine wood. Where else can you find such a treasure? I'll start at $10. $10 going once. $10 going twice. $20 - thank you Ma'am. $20 going once. $20 going twice. $30. $30, it's yours! [her assistant quickly hands her another picture]

Medium: Today I've got 38 very special treasures that I'll share with everyone. But before I do that, remember the curse? I'm going to show you how Argento (edit: er, that's what I heard) will remove the curse. Then I'll show you the 38 treasures. This is a good day. [He turns back to play a CD of chants, joins his hands together, silently mumbles/chants. He picks up a bottle of powder, and scatters it before him, then picks up a large brandy glass filled with some dark liquid.]

A: I tell you, this is a good one. "Smooth sailing all the way". When you hang this in your house, it'll be smooth sailing for you all the way. This is the best soochow embroidery and silk. Yesterday, even chinese tourists from xi'an bought 4 of such pictures from me! You give me a price! Anyone with a price, once. Give me the price you like. Once, twice, three times. OK, I'll keep it.

Now here, this one here is a beauty. "Cherry Blossoms bloom, the flowers radiate" - another fine piece of Soochw embrroidery on golden silk. I tell you, even the frame itself is worth more than $10. What a beauty. I'll just let you give me a price. $30? Good! $30 going once, $30 going twice. "Cherry Blossoms bloom, the flowers radiate" for the new year! $40! $40 going once. $50. $50 going once, twice - $50 to that handsome man there!

M: [He chants, raises the large brandy glass and swirls it gently. The dark liquid slowly, gradually lightens...until the liquid is all clear. He places the glass aside and turns to stop the CD player. The chanting stops abruptly.] Ladies and gentlemen, you can see, Argento's powers! He was staring at the glass [gestures at the bronze statue of a seated monk] and his sight alone has removed the curse. Such is Argento's powers. If you believe, the buddha will clear your curses. This is the best thing for all you pretty young ladies - don't be afraid of people placing curses on you - it will keep you safe. Not only young ladies. Gentlemen, safety is important. Protection as you work.

A: And now, here is something worth waiting for. I have many pairs of kirins with me. This is a mythical Chinese creature. Pure, genuine jade stone. Yesterday I sold hundreds of these kirins. Everyone wanted one. Place them in your house, they will bring wealth, fortune. It's a good sign. I'll start with the smaller pairs first. "The Fire Winged Kirin". Please take a look. Look at the carving. You place them anywhere - just not above your TV. They will open up the path of wealth for you. "The Fire Winged Kirin", ladies and gentlemen, $38? Yes, going once, $38 going twice, $48, going once, $58, going once, $58 going twice, $58! That lucky gentleman sitting there. Lovely kirins.

Next I have the "Mighty Riding the Wind Kirins". This one is special. I'm giving away a free gold cup with this....

M: And now, the 38 treasures I will share with you today. Because today is a good day. I take out 38 treasures. Not everybody will have one. It is all up to fate. it is a good day, and maybe it is your fate to have this treasure. After all, there are so many of you here. And I have only 38 treasures. So how can I choose? How do I know who is fated to be with this treasure today?

A: This pair is special. "The majestic three-horned magical kirin". This one is specially for men. [Y nudges J, winks. Three horns mah.]. One of my male customers, he bought this kirin. And the next day he randomly bought a Toto ticket and won $90! He has never bought Toto before. Feel free to take a look - $58! OK, handsome man, $58 - anyone else? $68! "The majestic three-horned magical kirin!" $68 going once... [J and Y look around for that handsome man who needs a kirin with an extra horn...]

M: I tell you, we are buddhists and buddha does not like to talk about money. So those of you who know you are fated to be with one of these 38 treasures, in your heart you know, just give some to charity. Argento here has a temple in Thailand with 59 monks. It is fate that you do charity... [J and Y walks away, mostly bored but also dismayed. Not only by the sad superstition but the appalling salesmanship! The guise of charity is lousy.]

The Winner

excuse me, but my name is not kristee, also not sordabee, ok?

The verdict? Of the 2, it is this auctioneer (though still not the best auctioneer we've seen). She got us 2 tired people standing there listening to her for at least 30mins, wondering who will bid higher and for the most items...and I confess, I actually considered raising my hand to register a $10 bid for a silk picture of 8 cows!

But by the end of that evening, the real winner was neither of the 2 dogfighters. Rather, it was the stall next to the auction which was selling all kinds of Chinese New Year decorations and trinkets. There, I parted with some real money (80cents) for a little golden cat.

got to get some ice cream

When J and I were talking recently about the unhappiness surrounding his work and future, the word which cropped up in our conversations was "trapped" - and I thought of Wayne Lo.

Who is Wayne Lo?

Wayne Lo, like Took, is a convicted murderer - except that he was "lucky" his crime was committed in Massachusetts and not Singapore. So instead of the death penalty, 19 year-old Wayne Lo was sentenced to life in prison in 1992 (pre-Columbine days) for having killed 2 and injuring 4 other students at his college campus with an AK47.

For the whole context of the murders in 1992 , you can read Gone Boy: A Walkabout - A Father's Search for the Truth in his Son's Murder (reviews in NYT and Salon also give an idea of the case), which waswritten by the father of one of the students who was killed.

I only knew of Wayne Lo recently from the latest issue of Giant Robot (available in Kinokuniya & Borders), which featured an interview with him. I suppose there is a natural curiosity about what it must feel like for a young person (ex-music prodigy), now past 30, to be sentenced to life in prison, and to carry that guilt of having taken 2 human lives (not to mention the grief of their families and friends).

Prison is limiting, but I am thankful to be alive [...] I believe the victims of my crime will live comfortably knowing I'm behind bars, so I'm not going to start saying that I deserve a pardeon because that will only hurt them again [...] You've got to come to terms with your sentence. Many never do. They keep dreaming about the day their verdict is reversed or they get a parole or commutation. They put everything into that dream, and when it is not realised, they crumble. I am aiming very low. I have no aspirations of ever getting out. Would I want to? Sure, but I keep it real. I work on how to make the most of my narrow future.

He ends the interview by asking for an ice cream from the vending machine. Puzzled by his request, the interviewer asked why he should ice cream be such a treat, does he usually not eat it? To this, Wayne Lo reminds, "This is prison. It's punishment!"

So why did I think of Wayne Lo?

Hmm, I guess the mind just works in a weird way. The comparisons certainly don't measure up. OK, not many things can compare to that lifetime physical imprisonment - its high walls, its "narrow future" - and its daily reminder to the prisoner of the blood guilt he must bear and pay for, his cowardice, his hatred, his sins judged in a court of law. Maybe in a kind of reverse fashion, although the prison that is our own self-doubt, fear and anxiety is not a physical prison, we are often rendered helpless and immobile by it - unable to take a next step simply because we cannot imagine there is a next step.

But friends, this being a Friday and the start of a long Chinese New Year break, I say we just get us all some ice cream!

I lose

a companion to this picture - click for larger pic in flickr

One morning on the train I was slightly surprised to find 4 people around me reading - this being a too-sleepy-to-read sort of train. The man to my right was reading a book titled "10 characteristics of effective leadership" or something to this effect. Curious, I glanced at the page.

Losers find problems in every answer, winners find answers in every problem.

Losers see thunderstorms and icy weather, winners see rainbows and ice skates.

There was a list of some 30 of these "loser vs winner" lines. And when he turned the page, I saw this at the top.

Soul success is self-respect for an honourable life.

If there is any truth in that book, then please let me not have to spend too much time with anyone who thinks himself a "winner" and finds his soul a "success".