Tuesday, February 28, 2006

D.I.Y.

colour me please
colour me please! ( click pic for a larger view in flickr)- a companion to this painting.

These 2 weeks have left J and I completely drained by work, hospital visits, work, laundry and work.

So I shall let this picture do its own talking...and let you, my dear friends, do your own colouring!

Friday, February 24, 2006

we've got balls!

World Ball
world ball by J

Oblivious to the deaths of politicians, sliding earth and interrupted bombs, the 8.30am Marching Bands went on playing in and out of the train stations. Two members of that band were having a deep intellectual conversation about the intricacies of their post-industrial capitalist trap, braving the onslaught of the rival northbound band.

Y: [sighs] What a waste.
J: [yawns] Huh?
Y: [marching] So many people. Can you imagine all that human energy, effort, time...?
J: [glances at a pretty rival band member in a dress, marching]...
Y: [marching] Every single person oiling the gears, keeping the machine working. We work so hard, so that we can get paid to buy the things that we think will make our lives easier, machines to help us clean our house faster, because we spend all our time and energy at work, and when we save more time or do something faster, we then use all the extra time at work, and then to buy more things...A self-sustaining machine.
J: [stops marching] Hey, it's just like the ball I drew!
Y: [stops marching] Oh yes, just like the ball! [continues marching] It's pretty.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

tropical malady

orangesky

There must be days when you feel your mind is like a tropical jungle...no, wait, I mean the undergrowth of a tropical jungle - none of that majestic treetop experience, just the muggy, rotting, mosquito-infested mess of weeds, vines, stray branches and trees that will never see the sky.

You may then wish to find a DVD copy of Thai director Apichatpong Weerasethakul's 2004 Cannes winner Tropical Malady. A narrative yin-yang - at once simple and mysterious, leisurely and tense. Split into two, the first part of the film is all the sweet disease of love - the palpitations of the heart and the alternating chills and heat of chase and touch. The second half of the film is set entirely in the Thai jungles, and I think every fear, hallucination, and drop of sweat you would experience in a tropical jungle is captured in that feverish, haunting 45min.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

inseparable

retirehappy

Perhaps it is the legacy of Plato's body vs soul dualism, but I guess many of us would more easily relate our "true" self to "soul" and relegate the body to be a temporal and somewhat "fake" shell. So it is our bodies - somehow separate from who we are - that fail us when we grow old or sick.

Being with Ma J and learning more about what a stroke does to you makes it even easier at first to think of the body like some kind of a trap, a burden. The stroke affected her right hemisphere, so she has lost all feeling and use of the left side of her body. More than that, she has somehow "forgotten" that that left side of her body exists. And since the right hemisphere of the brain also controlled visual and spatial perception, she has a poor sense of time, loses attention easily and has trouble making sense of the TV dramas. Even her emotions sometimes seem a little out of her control.

But the stroke also demonstrated that the opposite is perhaps more real. Because all these are not just things which had happened to her body per se, as if who she is has remained untouched. Her emotional, intellectual life - even her spiritual life and certainly her personality, has changed together with the physical and physiological changes. So, in a strange way, these after effects of the stroke are now part of who she is and part of her life. And until she acknowledges that and accepts that her bodily condition - however dysfunctional and frustrating - is not a distinct, somewhat rebellious entity from her, she may never take that first step towards recovery.

Ma J, get well soon!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

democracy?

everything happens
At the lobby of the Urban Redevelopment Authority centre, there's a really detailed model of our Lilliputian city. Every inch has been planned for. There's even a Parks and Water Bodies and Identity Plan. See and believe.

Since J and I live in the Bishan-Toa Payoh GRC, where the PAP team is helmed by the Deputy Prime Minister himself, it is unlikely that any opposition party is going to do the foolish in contesting for this ward. So for the 3rd elections in a row since turning 21, I will no doubt be one of those Singaporeans this coming elections without a chance to participate in democracy's sacred act - the vote.

Just across the street from where we live, residents of Potong Pasir will surely exercise this right on my behalf.

For the past few years, the PAP candidate for Potong Pasir has been hosting dinners on public holidays and familiarising himself with the residents. This Chinese New Year, he offered Sharks Fin soup for $1 a bowl to the residents and, according to J (who cannot remember if he had read about this in Today or the ST), shared the idea of turning the canal running through Bishan-Potong Pasir to the Kallang River into a water sports zone!

Ah, residents of Potong Pasir, the fate of my concrete river lies in your hands! Your vote is certainly secret. But please, let the schools of tony silvery fishes continue to brave the currents of this algae-lined canal! And in the evenings, let them brave the hungry diners, those small white egrets which have come from god-knows-where.

What baby lessons about democracy in practice I learnt, I learnt them in the hospital over the past week.

With 6 siblings (and also 6 sisters/brother-in-law), any decision about caring for J’s mom requires a meeting in the hospital visitors’ lounge and a vote to be taken.

This democratic process cuts both ways. It is surely an act of some responsibility – for you are saying that you are giving your trust, well, your all to support a decision. But it can also be a disavowal of responsibility – for you can also be saying that you are therefore entrusting someone else who will act and discharge whatever responsibility on your behalf…and if he/she somehow fails, it was not your action that caused the failure in the first place.

Whether a more participatory democracy is more superior to a representative democracy, or what exactly is the difference, I don’t fully understand. The only thing I’ve learnt is that what matters in the end are people who will act with the wisdom that love and humility affords, and then stand to take responsibility for their actions – be it the raising of an arm, a nod of the head, the running of two three extra miles, or making that secret mark on the voting slip.

Monday, February 13, 2006

it's only just begun

fingerlickin'good gift
A finger lickin' good wedding gift from L & G - a stuffed chicken wing and drumstick from G's 2003 "Dreamland Delicatessen" exhibition. Yumm, comfort food for daydreaming.

The wedding was surprisingly quick and painless.

So quick it was that J forgot to take photographs until towards the end, and we did not manage to get any photographs of friends who had so gamely turned up in their favourite t-shirts for our planned poster project. Thank goodness for a whole table offriends who are photographers or just real photo buffs. I think that table of 10 had more cameras and lenses than human bodies!

Whatever pain there was at this wedding, I guess the bulk of it was somewhere inside Pa J. Graciously he had attended the solemnisation and lunch, and graciously he played host to some of the relatives. All this while, according to J's sister, this 72 year-old man has been waking up in tears each morning to an empty bed.

The wedding is only the beginning. The vows say so. The pastor reminded us. And Pa J knows this best.

J: Do you not wonder why all this is happening when we are finally getting married?
Y: Yup.
J: What can the reason be?
Y: You mean, like are we meant to learn something? Or if it's some kind of...omen? [biting into her first BBQ chicken wing in what must be a whole month!]
J: I don't know. Maybe.
Y: I guess everything happens for a reason since God is in charge.
J: Yes, but why now? [pushes the dish of chilli sauce closer to Y] This chilli sauce today is super shiok.
Y: Hmm... it's happening now because if it had happened any earlier, you wouldn't have me with you - and 2 people dealing with this is better than 1? Good timing.

So friends, though all this may still seem pretty gloomy for a post-wedding post (!), let ampulets assure you that we are real glad that this is only just the beginning - hence, this picture.

landscape
Photo of J by a grotty wall in Taipei. I was added in later and the wall was "extended" in photoshop. The landscape was drawn in directly with the trusty Intuos. Cranes are a symbol for longevity, but they can also be taken to symbolise a lifelong marriage!

Friday, February 10, 2006

The Day Before...

ward

J and I, after consulting our folks, decided we should just go ahead with the wedding tomorrow despite Ma J's ill health.

I did say this was going to be a busy week of firsts, though now it is busier than we had anticipated. So on the day before the wedding, J is out with his sis visiting employment agencies to see if they could hire a domestic helper to be with his folks when Ma J does finally get to go home. And I am actually at home after a week out running errands and hanging out at the Tan Tock Seng hospital - seated now by the ibook, downloading information on caring for stroke patients, sipping my coffee, while writing a 12 page report I owe my boss (as more things - always urgent - crop up at work), getting some distraction completing this drawing and trying not to think about what else I should be doing now.

One step at a time!

about the drawing
J and I were talking last night about what it means to care for one's parents. Being the youngest son and having lived away from home all these years, that responsibility had never fallen on him. For some, caring for your parents may mean taking them out for a meal every week, nagging them about that healthcheck and making conversation. For others, that responsibility is partly devolved by hiring a fulltime caregiver - a stayhome nurse or a domestic helper.

This week at the hospital, we saw two old ladies (in the same ward as Ma J) spend their days at the hospital with their Indonesian helper - they watch the television together, chitchat in fluent Bahasa Indonesia or Malay and sometimes even Cantonese, take walks and share meals. Everything a mother and daughter would do together.

Thursday, February 9, 2006

Ma J on the other hand...

This will probably explain why J's mom was checked into the hospital on Tuesday, her health further strained by the Chinese New Year diet and the feast she was busy making to offer to the ti gong ("sky god"). Her condition is still critical. So friends, please pray that she would get better and come to believe instead in the God who made the skies and all under it, yet desires no succulent roast duck offering from us.

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Mr Baker I am not

graphic J
if he lived in the 50s, maybe he would aspire to be known as Graphic J, the Design Uncle

One of the best things about being off from work (other than just physically NOT being at work) is being able to have a leisurely lunch with my mom.

She retired from her administrative job 5 years ago after spending more than 30years with the same company. A quiet, diminutive woman - not someone you would take notice of (although in her youth, I was told, she had flirted with being a model...er, all 1.57m of her). But each time she tells me something about her life, there's always a story or two worth remembering.

So over a plate of Rojak Bandung, J, my mom and I were indulging in some nostalgia and lamenting how all the "wet markets" in HDB estates have been upgraded, such that they are now these neat rows of individual shops that, when shut, are transformed into just large metal boxes. A trip to the market no longer required avoiding puddles or even entire lanes of smelly water (probably from the fishmongers) overflowing from the shallow drains.

It was then that I asked her what happened to Jalong Sing (read Mdm Jalong - she sold towels, hankerchiefs and other sundry goods at a wet market near my grandma's), followed by the question: "So what exactly does Jalong mean?" which yielded this little ramble down memory lane;

Mom: Jalong just means thread and needles and all the stuff that she sold lor. [a-matter-a-factly]

J: Haha. [laughs, because he likes to]

Y: I see. It's the same as all the ang mo people with surnames like Baker or Chimney [turns to J] - like if you were a Baker, everyone calls you Mr Baker, and your son may just follow in your footsteps, and everyone calls him Mr Baker too...blah blah blah, then 2 hundred years later, your great great great grandson who is a botanist, will still be called Mr Baker!

J: [silently, forming these words in his mind: show off, smartypants]

Mom: When I was growing up ah, we live in the kampong, the squatter area lah, then one of the shophouses in front of our squatter used to sell wooden clogs. I remember everyone calls her Cha Kia Sor and her husband Cha Kia Chek [i.e. Aunt Clog and Uncle Clog]. I even remember their shophouse number - 958. We stayed in the squatter so we had no address, so all our mail went to shophouse 956. One of our neighbours in the kampong would buy these huge logs, chop it up and with an axe make clogs. He would sell it to the Cha Kia Sor who would paint it and attach the strap to the finished clog.

[She takes a sip of coffee, but feeling high on the past, continues her description.]

Mom: Back then everyone kept their doors open. So we would always walk through Cha Kia Sor's shophouse for a shortcut from the main road to the kampung. One day, I remember this Cha Kia Sor running out of the house, shouting at Cha Kia Chek and throwing clogs at him. [laughs] They had such a big fight. This Cha Kia Chek is so old already and he still wants sex, so she cannot take it! She was so angry! [laughs] They have so many children, I remember...

Sunday, February 5, 2006

7 Bad Habits of busy folks

busybodies

1. Trying to live according to a to-do list
2. Not having a conversation
3. Snapping when asked to repeat yourself (ditto)
4. Dehydrating.
5. Compromising sleep.
6. Waking up way too late (er, for the ill-disciplined variety of busy-ness)
7. Wishing you had slept/woken up earlier.

It'll be a busy week for J and I, but it'll also a week of firsts. Today we have to get to some place (don't know where yet) to buy some 40 bottles of wine - that's a first...and probably a last. And having to manage an invitation list of relatives via an excel sheet. What will not be a first is me wondering if all of my books and their 25m of shelf space will ever fit into our Toa Payoh flat.

So ampulets give you this picture in honour of the start of a new week. May none of those 7 habits ever inflict your lives!

Thursday, February 2, 2006

Ah Q?


Ah Q is probably the most "beloved" character in modern Chinese literature.

Well, in later popular adapations of Lu Xun's 1918 work The Story of Ah Q, Ah Q is sometimes portrayed just as a simpleton, or a man whose delusions are, at worst, just laughable. A mere clown or a fool - to be ultimately pitied.

But Lu Xun's intention is less generous. A poor and illiterate man, Ah Q often deludes himself in thinking that he is from a wealthy family or, later in the book, a victorious and heroic leader of the revolution against the Qing empire. Even the smallest setback, and however ridiculous his logic, Ah Q would find a way to claim a victory.

When his delusions are exposed, Ah Q would nonetheless find a way to claim moral or spiritual victory...thus walking away satisfied. If Ah Q's behaviour is read as symptomatic of the Chinese people at that time, then Lu Xun is levelling a very severe criticism that China continues to fool itself with its false revolutions and victories, when it has - in fact - merely ignored the political and social realities of poverty, corruption and its weakness before Japanese and western powers.

Ah Q - and by extension China in Lu Xun's time - is not only to be pitied, it should be rebuked - its moral/political delusions and cowardice exposed!

Over the Chinese New Year break, J and I was at the house of one of my colleagues - well, my boss - in genteel Katong. A new penthouse with an outdoor rain shower, a 2-door fridge for wine, a room just for keeping paintings, and lovely timber sundecks. Even in our wildest daydreams, J and I would not even think of ever living in such a place (ok, maybe there's been some daydreaming about a room for paintings).

I guess that visit made more real how J's plan to take a break from work to study in the next couple of years will set us back financially.

Perhaps in the last few years, we have both grown too used to the financial and material comforts (yes, all our consumerist indulgences, ampulets do like pretty things!) Slowly, over time, these cloud our judgement, and we let fear of losing them dictate our actions and decisions, confusing fear for contentment, confusing pleasure for joy. So I hope we are not being Ah-Q in concluding that J's plan is the right thing to do - because once we did decide, I felt wonderfully free.

peace2

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

counting down?

ching chong wedding
9 more days to this

The family, over the obligatory Chinese New Year game of mahjong, shares this conversation:

Bro: I warn you, my tiles are real beautiful. [chuckles to himself]
Aunt: Pong!
Bro: Wah, 3 flowers and a pong-pong game...that's 5-tai.
Aunt: ...[The real professional, she gives nothing away on her face.]
Dad: Eh, Y, pass me some egg rolls.
Y: Ohr.
Dad: [munches, dropping the crumbs all over the green table top] Oh, after a few more nights, you'll be married and then you'll no longer live here, that's fast -
Bro: Pong! Game!
Dad: Darn, look at my tiles - almost perfect already...
Y: Aiyah! Mine too!
Aunt: ... [She smiles and dusts the egg roll crumbs onto the floor for the faithful family dog.]

Well, at least 1 person is counting down.