paralysed

J/TOHA's second post! (The first was months ago.)



I held my mom's left hand, the weak side, and asked if she could grasp my hand. She said it was impossible, and told us not to force her to try.

"Don't give up. Keep focusing on it. Train your mind to understand that this is your hand, and you want it to move when you tell it to."

"Don't force me lah."

Deep down, I was a little disappointed by her response, but I couldn't help but to liken her situation to mine. Definitely not a fair comparison, but I felt, at that very moment, paralsyed. Not literally or physically, but my mind was numbed, blurred and confused.

Life at work has just gotten worse. What's new, most of you who know me might say. I don't think I want to elaborate how bad it has gotten, but just take it that it is so bad I felt like tendering my resignation on the spot this morning. A month back, I had kind of decided that I would quit my job this May and to enrol in a full-time design course with what little savings Y and I have. Boy, I felt so free then.

Things have changed, of course.

Since my mom was hospitalised, quite a few things have popped into my mind. First, that I am an unfilial son. I have been living away from my folks for several years now, and I visit them no more than 6 times a year. Thinking back, I could have paid more attention to my mom's diabetic condition. Perhaps if I had taken better care of her, brought her to see a specialist, she might not be down with stroke.

Second, the medical expenses for her hospital stay and the later healthcare, equipment and other costs means that I would now need to delay my plan of leaving my job. I feel trapped, once more.

So it does feel like I had the stroke - a stroke that has left me "bedridden" in my job and I would need to start learning again how to deal with the daily struggles of work.

Really need to pray for direction and guidance - when will it be time for me to move on to a new job, if at all; and for my mom's spirit, so that she will not give up on herself. I tell myself that if these two major issues can be resolved, my "stroke"
may just be cured.